再見2013

2013 的最後一天，細數今天的幸運：

1. 爸媽身體健康，精神愉快 - 希望他們和三豬一直健健康康！

2. 三十幾年後忽然發現自己多了一塊脊骨，總算對症下藥，解決腰痛問題。

3. 工作上走過艱辛的一年，非常勞累。新部門什麼都要打拼，舉步維艱，但慶幸有一群手足一同走過這段成長路，血汗都是值得的。

4. 我關心的好朋友各自都有幸福的生活，偶爾碰面相聚一段好時光，一起對酌歡笑，就夠了。

5. 有足夠的健康、時間、零用繼續行萬里路：從比利時北部，到意大利中南我一直想去的 Tuscany，那良辰美景，足夠照亮未來艱辛的日子。

生活可以很簡單，祝願來年繼續有健康的身體，喜樂的心情，繼續面對挑戰，享受世界之美。

衝

雲上的風景

這一天，在這個平凡的星期一，我拉著行李箱回到中環，開了一個早上的會，然後飛奔到機鐵站，趕往新加坡，繼續東南亞區的業務計劃會議。

同一天，好友C飛往北京了，而K則到無錫了。

我們生於這個小小的城市，卻好像沒有多少時間可以在這片小小的土地上交匯。

我們總是那麼衝忙。趕著收拾行李，趕著飛，趕著下一個會議，趕著… 二十歲的我，一定覺得這樣的生活很exciting ，很 glamorous！

曾經有人問一個經常出差的人，"where are you based?" 回答是：  "I'm based on CX." 好笑嗎？雖然我從機艙窗口看雲上的風景，可能比我在家裡看風景的機會還多，我當然還沒有資格說自己住在飛機上。

從顧問生涯走進企業，卻發現，原來人長大了，再也沒有舒服的工可打了。從前出差，坐在後排聽，靈魂還可以開一會小差，想想應該到哪裡玩，哪裡吃。現在每次出差都是因為自己要求開的會議。自己主持的會議，自己要求的對話，自己要打的仗。戰略和實踐都不能假手於人，一分一秒都不能鬆懈。於是，半分精力也沒有剩下來給自己。不會再有胃口吃，不會再有力氣玩。開完會立刻趕飛機走，哪裡都不想去了。

我一直不曾立志做女強人（那是八十年代，本人成長年代的叫法），卻一步一步走了這麼一條路，成了一堆開始數不清的人的敗犬上司。我能說人在江湖，回不了頭嗎？

當然，沒有人用槍指住我的腦袋逼我幹下去。然而，半輩子過去了。上班工作就是我唯一懂得做好的事情，你能叫一只鳥兒學游泳，叫魚兒學飛嗎？太晚了，就在上次八號風球，我還是選擇了回到辦公室靜靜的趕回手頭上工作的時候，我就明白了。

楓葉糖漿的聯想

有人給我帶來我最喜歡的楓葉糖漿。

從我十多年前第一次去加拿大作交換生，就已經愛上了楓葉糖漿獨特的香氣。後來在波士頓，新英格蘭的秋天，我最喜歡呷一口熱騰騰的Maple Syrup Latte，就那麼幾滴，那種芬芳總讓我沈醉。在香港，那種香味已經久違了，失而復得，實在驚喜。

他說，楓葉糖漿最適合送我，因為我就是那麼甜。男人的甜言蜜語，當然不可信。然而，他的話，卻讓我忽然有點唏噓。

老實說，這些日子以來，一直在工作上奮力打拼，要生存，彷如逆水行舟，稍一不留神就會遇溺淹死。碰巧我和我的n-1，n-2也是女人，有時候我笑說我們仿佛楊門女將，只能自己保護自己，保護部門弱小。面對種種阻力，我們一步不能退，女性的溫柔甜美蕩然無存。我甚至戲言在工作上我們是沒有性別的。

曾幾何時，有人說我很愛笑，說我的笑容很甜。一瓶楓葉糖漿，忽然讓我想起，除了做一頭猛虎，原來我還可以是別的。

但是，真可以嗎。還可以嗎？

轉載： Is there life after work?

假日早上，小S傳來這篇文章Is there life after work?，說她看到時，想起了我的生活，或者說，我的沒有生活。

十多年前，我是一頭精力充沛的小獅。那些年，我不用睡，打不死。今時今日，我又是如何失守，落入這個境地的呢？我自己也搞不清楚。我只知道，不能想太多，不能自怨自憐。選了一條路，只能好好走下去。

Is There Life After Work?

By ERIN CALLAN

Published: March 9

Kiersten Essenpreis

AT an office party in 2005, one of my colleagues asked my then husband what I did on weekends. She knew me as someone with great intensity and energy. “Does she kayak, go rock climbing and then run a half marathon?” she joked. No, he answered simply, “she sleeps.” And that was true. When I wasn’t catching up on work, I spent my weekends recharging my batteries for the coming week. Work always came first, before my family, friends and marriage — which ended just a few years later.

In recent weeks I have been following with interest the escalating debate about work-life balance and the varying positions of Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg, Marissa Mayer of Yahoo and the academic Anne-Marie Slaughter, among others. Since I resigned my position as chief financial officer of Lehman Brothers in 2008, amid mounting chaos and a cloud of public humiliation only months before the company went bankrupt, I have had ample time to reflect on the decisions I made in balancing (or failing to balance) my job with the rest of my life. The fact that I call it “the rest of my life” gives you an indication where work stood in the pecking order.

I don’t have children, so it might seem that my story lacks relevance to the work-life balance debate. Like everyone, though, I did have relationships — a spouse, friends and family — and none of them got the best version of me. They got what was left over.

I didn’t start out with the goal of devoting all of myself to my job. It crept in over time. Each year that went by, slight modifications became the new normal. First I spent a half-hour on Sunday organizing my e-mail, to-do list and calendar to make Monday morning easier. Then I was working a few hours on Sunday, then all day. My boundaries slipped away until work was all that was left.

Inevitably, when I left my job, it devastated me. I couldn’t just rally and move on. I did not know how to value who I was versus what I did. What I did waswho I was.

I have spent several years now living a different version of my life, where I try to apply my energy to my new husband, Anthony, and the people whom I love and care about. But I can’t make up for lost time. Most important, although I now have stepchildren, I missed having a child of my own. I am 47 years old, and Anthony and I have been trying in vitro fertilization for several years. We are still hoping.

Sometimes young women tell me they admire what I’ve done. As they see it, I worked hard for 20 years and can now spend the next 20 focused on other things. But that is not balance. I do not wish that for anyone. Even at the best times in my career, I was never deluded into thinking I had achieved any sort of rational allocation between my life at work and my life outside.

I have often wondered whether I would have been asked to be C.F.O. if I had not worked the way that I did. Until recently, I thought my singular focus on my career was the most powerful ingredient in my success. But I am beginning to realize that I sold myself short. I was talented, intelligent and energetic. It didn’t have to be so extreme. Besides, there were diminishing returns to that kind of labor.

I didn’t have to be on my BlackBerry from my first moment in the morning to my last moment at night. I didn’t have to eat the majority of my meals at my desk. I didn’t have to fly overnight to a meeting in Europe on my birthday. I now believe that I could have made it to a similar place with at least some better version of a personal life. Not without sacrifice — I don’t think I could have “had it all” — but with somewhat more harmony.

I have also wondered where I would be today if Lehman Brothers hadn’t collapsed. In 2007, I did start to have my doubts about the way I was living my life. Or not really living it. But I felt locked in to my career. I had just been asked to be C.F.O. I had a responsibility. Without the crisis, I may never have been strong enough to step away. Perhaps I needed what felt at the time like some of the worst experiences in my life to come to a place where I could be grateful for the life I had. I had to learn to begin to appreciate what was left.

At the end of the day, that is the best guidance I can give. Whatever valuable advice I have about managing a career, I am only now learning how to manage a life.

Erin Callan is the former chief financial officer of Lehman Brothers.

A version of this op-ed appeared in print on March 10, 2013, on pageSR9 of the New York edition with the headline: Is There Life After Work?.

戰曲

十個月了。沒有停下過，沒有回過一口氣。一直咬緊牙根沒吭一聲，笑臉迎人，打落牙齒和血吞。終於發現，已經不能不面對自己的愚笨。

無盡無窮的漫漫長夜，身心疲乏乾涸。每個晚上不是用盡最後一分力爬上床，壓著電視遙控也已沒有力氣拿出來，就是打開冰箱倒一杯酒無言獨酌。我的生活，沒有生活。

這是一場還看不到終點的戰爭，一場我已經不知道目的的戰爭。我是一個硬頸的人。我不認輸，不怕苦。別人受不了的我笑著承受，不掉一滴眼淚。我不知道，我會不會有一天，被自己的硬頸殺死。但是我是一個鬥士，只能死在戰場上。不能問是否值得，因為我已經沒有退路。

我沒有傾訴的對象。我沒有期待，也沒有人期待我。在世上，我只是一條羽毛，在飄呀飄的，一直不着地。有點孤獨，有點失重，總想抓住點什麼，讓我感到存在的意義，重量。所以，我選擇了工作，工作選擇了我。

明日，如果生命沒有離去，我還是會笑著回去作戰，直到我力竭而亡的一天。

不想說

又是一個留在辦公室的漫漫長夜。很多時候，我需要自己一個人，靜靜的把白天的一切，好好的想一想。該如何判斷？何去何從？

有些時候，我也會懷疑，我是一只在籠子裏的白老鼠，奮力的在滾輪上跑著；又或者一只可憐的蠢驢，追逐著掛在眼前的一根紅蘿蔔。我有一個大大的夢想，但我真的有這個能力、魄力、體力抵抗一切撲殺的力量嗎？日復一日的戰鬥，有時候，我真的覺得疲累。

D爸爸說，先天下之憂而憂是很艱難孤獨的。當所有人還在穿戴漂亮的在喝下午茶的時候，你一個人穿著超人戲服跑出來要拯救世界，別人只會以為你是個大白痴。

我從來沒有想過要做一個改革者，但是，事到如今，我沒有退路。就這樣，我一直在走這麼一條大白痴的路。

有時候，你看到我疲累的臉，你看到我的沈默，你問我這一天過得怎樣了，想說說嗎？

不，我不想說。我沒有興趣在回家後再把所有事情回憶一次，講述一次。有些人喜歡傾訴，喜歡聽別人安慰，認為應該把不開心的事向一百個人說一百次，就會得到救贖。我不，我不想傾訴，不想自憐，不需要安慰。也許，最多，我只需要一個無言的擁抱，就夠了。

我得好好睡一睡。明天，我就有勇氣繼續走下去。